Ummm, Just some advice/words - Talk About Marriage

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Today, 09:09 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 6	Hi all, I'm new to this site. And was just after some advice/words of wisdom/something! My wife/ex wife caslled time on our 9 year marriage in march of this year and said she was content with being single/focusing on our kids. I met somebody else a couple of months ago although I'm not sure my feelings are 100% as I tell her they are. My ex has also found someone and I am finding it extremely hard to accept it. In fact it breaks my heart to know that some other man is making my wife/ex happy. I know this sounds confusing. But I really can't make head nor tail of the these feelings that I am having. Has anyone felt this way before??
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Today, 10:02 AM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 55	Quote: Not really. It's unfortunate that you and your wife brought others into your situation. It's best to finish one relationship before starting new ones. At this point, you and your wife should either decide to reconcile or divorce. Even if you go through with divorce, you still need to spend some time single. Rebound relationships rarely last. Having plenty of alone time allows one to reflect, collect themselves, and THINK without being influenced by someone else. Hope you get things figured out. At what point should a couple know they are going to reconcile or divorce. Is it to soon to have an answer like that or should a person know already? I've been separated from H sine June 9, 2012, been going to my own IC and MC and not really sure where it's headed. Just curious because it kind of sounds like an ultimatum that some can't answer tight away, or does everyone know what they want and aren't being truthful with the other person?
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Today, 11:45 AM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: UK Posts: 79	I know how you feel, im in a similar situation...wife is divorcing me, denied there was anyone else..but i found out there is....and i have since met some one else...i knew her already, we worked together for 3 years, were just friends, after my separation we started seeing each other... She is sooo much better for me than my stbx and she was a great support in the aftermath, even trying to help me get back with my wife for the sake of the kids...but its been hard to forget about my wife, even though i ended up taking her to court to get access to kids, she has lied about everything and tried to take everything...it still hurt though when i found out to think that she was apparently happy with someone else after all of our years together (i found out this week)..i dont think i love her anymore ..its more the disappointment of being treated this way by someone i loved and trusted, and being the one left wondering why it all happened..it has helped me detach by the way she has behaved, and we dont see each other or talk but i am still dreading seeing her with another man...anyway, i know how you feel..confused and not sure if the new woman in your life is the right one, and why the thought of your ex with another man should bother you if you have now found the right person.....i think its only natural to feel this way after you were married to someone, theres still some feelings however much we want to think they have gone (and probably for her to)..i decided to go with the flow and see how it worked out..i figured it should improve over time if it was meant to be, and it has..i still have days when i question where i am now..no longer living with my kids, they living with their mother and likely soon another man, me in a rented house, our house that we worked towards all those years sold, the money all frittered away, most of my personal belongings gone, the heartache and the humiliation she put me through..how did it all happen and why...but these are less now and more and more i am so thankful to have my new partner and i look forward to building a new life with her and the kids.. I dont think mine is a rebound relationship, although it started when i was still mourning the death of my marriage and really not ready for another relationship..my advice would be to try and see beyond your marriage and give it some time if you think she may be right for you..what helps me is to think 'would i have been interested in a relationship with my new partner if i had met her instead of my wife all of those years ago' good luck with your decision
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Today, 01:14 PM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,434	It is mixed signals... as though she's trying on a new dress, but keeping the old one just in case. Right now she has you on a string and the other man (OM). Is she living with the OM? Are you giving her only child support or also some spousal support? Does she have a job outside of the home? There are 2 ways you can handle this: 1) Go to no contact (NC). You would only talk to her about things related to the kids. And even this should only be via email and text. 2) Just file for divorce. Let her know that you will be glad to stop the divorce at any time she is willing to work on the marriage. But until then you have no choice as you will not live in limbo. Either of the two will shake her up and end the guy-on-a-string game she's playing. Filing for divorce will have the strongest affect and might shock her out of what she's doing. If it does not, there is no hope for recovery and you may as well go through with the divorce.
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Today, 02:34 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 6	Quote: It is mixed signals... as though she's trying on a new dress, but keeping the old one just in case. Right now she has you on a string and the other man (OM). Is she living with the OM? Are you giving her only child support or also some spousal support? Does she have a job outside of the home? There are 2 ways you can handle this: 1) Go to no contact (NC). You would only talk to her about things related to the kids. And even this should only be via email and text. 2) Just file for divorce. Let her know that you will be glad to stop the divorce at any time she is willing to work on the marriage. But until then you have no choice as you will not live in limbo. Either of the two will shake her up and end the guy-on-a-string game she's playing. Filing for divorce will have the strongest affect and might shock her out of what she's doing. If it does not, there is no hope for recovery and you may as well go through with the divorce. So, as far as I am aware, no she doesn't live with the OM although he is around her new house a lot (according to my eldest daughter). In terms of support, I give money monthly to her for the kids. All through the bank so record of it is there. No other support to her. We are pretty much NC anyway as she has moved a good 45 mins away from where we used to live. I only see her when it comes to picking kids up. And she still looks great, if not better than what I remember. She seems happy with her new guy and today I just text her to find out what was going on in terms of if she wanted a divorce or not. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted, didn't want to rush in to it and hadn't really thought about it. But if I wanted one then she wouldn't stop me from doing it. I then said that I felt it wasnt a hard decision for her to make, she seems happy with this guy, she doesn't want it to be "us" anymore so what is it that is making her hold off and that it's leaving me feeling confused and hurt. Again, she said she wasn't sure and I quote "tbh, you don't know about my relationship" and that she wasn't trying to "hurt me" Now I know that I started my relationship with the new woman before my ex did and am half wondering if she is in a way trying to play the game of "one upmanship" that she is doing it to see my reaction. I told her clearly today that although I am happy with what I have now I still have strong feelings for her. I'm stuck in such a quandary as to what to do anymore. I really want to move forward with my life and see where this new thing goes, but at the same time I crave her and the life I had as a family.
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Today, 03:13 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Moderator ? Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Southern USA Posts: 3,319	Quote: At what point should a couple know they are going to reconcile or divorce. Is it to soon to have an answer like that or should a person know already? I've been separated from H sine June 9, 2012, been going to my own IC and MC and not really sure where it's headed. Just curious because it kind of sounds like an ultimatum that some can't answer tight away, or does everyone know what they want and aren't being truthful with the other person? That's a very tough question. In my situation, my husband dumped me. In retrospect, I believe my husband wanted to soften the blow of a divorce. Although when pushing him for an answer, he would declare he didn't know what he wanted. Furthermore, he would warn that if I pushed him very hard, he would choose divorce over reconciliation. In my own mind, I allowed him a year to make his decision. Then, I filed for divorce. The truth is that people do not separate to save a marriage. When a spouse moves out, it's usually a good indicator of where their true feelings lie. Those of us left behind cling to hope as long as we can.
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